Childbirth-A Running Diary

5:45 AM: The phone rings, making me mad because I was in the middle of a dream where Dan Litchfield and I were in the front row at a Killers concert. The lead singer was wearing a wedding dress. On the phone, a nurse from Evergreen hospital asked if we could be here at 7:15. I was a little groggy, but still awake enough to know that 7:15 is earlier than I like to be up and about. I asked if they had any openings closer to 10:30--she laughed. I think she thought I was joking.

7:25 AM: We check in at the hospital. Ashley is mad that I made us late because I wanted to stop and rent a movie at a Redbox. I didn't see any movies I liked, and I was only out of the car for 60 seconds, but Ashley acted like I was the reason we were ten minutes late. I tried to remember that pregnancy can make women insane and irritable.

8 AM: I gave myself a tour of the birthing room, wanting to be familiar with my surroundings. The first thing I liked is that there was a mini fridge, I loaded it with enough Diet Coke to get me through most of the day and also found a turkey sandwich that could come in handy later. There is also a cool box full of used needles--I am considering stealing it and selling the needles in Pioneer Square in Seattle--these needles may be used, but they are probably much more sanitary than the ones being used down there right now. The bathroom is simple but it will get the job done if I need it, and there are magazines in the waiting area. I've got a TV of course, and I brought the Lord of The Rings trilogy (extended version) and a Dave Matthews Band Concert DVD. 15 Hours of entertainment should get me through the day, as long as Ashley doesn't interrupt too often. I'm using the birthing ball as an ottoman.

8:30AM: The nurse started Ashley on the drugs and didn't laugh at all when I made a joke about driving to Home Depot and hiring a migrant worker to come and be Ashley's birth coach. I have a blog to maintain and I can't do everything. I think one of those nice hispanic fellows would have enjoyed witnessing a beautiful, yet graphic, miracle instead of building a deck or spreading gravel today, but apparently we don't joke about migrant workers at this hospital.

10 AM: Not much to update--the snacks are good, my movie is entertaining, and Ashley has her nose buried in a book. We have no visitors, which is actually really nice for two reasons. First, there is no one to entertain and I can unbutton my pants. And second, it shows us who are friends really are, and that is NONE OF YOU! Hopefully someone will care enough to come see the baby later tonight. The contractions are getting a little more intense now. I still feel fine.

11:55 AM: I have now eaten all of the mini turkey sandwiches in the community refrigerator and I have moved on to the jello. I'm currently having the most relaxing day I've had in a long time. I'm watching TV, my blog is taking shape with videos and a "kickin" playlist that is currently up to 31 songs, and I am completely caught up on several projects I have been meaning to do. Ashley is just chugging along, it's moving kind of slowly, I recommended that she spend a little time in the bathtub with the birthing ball, but she seems content to lay in bed, hopefully our daughter doesn't inherit her laziness! Bud is bringing me teriyaki, and I plan to serve Ashley a lunch of ice chips on a bed of bigger ice chips. Hopefully something will start happening soon, I don't want to have to go home and try again tomorrow.

12:45 PM: The Doctor just checked Ashley for progress and I really think she needs to start working harder to get this baby out. She started the day at a 2 (for those of you who don't have kids, a 2 means that there is a 2 in 10 chance that the baby could fall out at any moment) and now she is between a 3 and a 4. The goal is 10, at 10, they can pry the baby out. But at 3 or 4, I might as well go back to work and stop by here after dinner. Ashley's sister and dad are here to help distract Ashley so I can watch more TV. The problem is that Ashley is watching "Gardening with Ciscoe". If you don't know who Ciscoe is, he makes me wants to light myself on fire. Anywho, I'm still being strong and brave and the nurses seem proud of me.

1:45: Nothing really happening here, apparently the contractions are getting bigger but I feel about the same. Ashley thinks the baby will be here by 4:00. My guess is 5:30. Jerry Springer is getting us through the day, but I really don't know what we're going to do when this show is over. They wanted to know if we are interested in keeping the cord blood, I assume that's in case we want to use it for some kind of Halloween prank, I decided against it, I know a great Halloween store that has fake blood that looks more real than even real blood. I may learn how to post pictures sometime today so you can all check out the placenta and what not.

2:30 PM: Ashley has been a trooper for most of the day....until now. She just threw up her hands and asked for the epiderl (Can I get a spellcheck Microsoft Blogspot team??), so she's now numbing up for the big birth. We should know in the next half hour or so how far along she is and have a better idea of whether or not I should get my catcher's mitt out and prepare for the delivery. With her other two births, it has taken a long time to get to a 5, but then she went from a 5 to a 10 almost instantly. Ashley thinks today will be a similar scenario. The needle for the epiderl looked like something straight off a a horse farm, apparently no one told the doctor that Ashley is a pretty average sized gal. I've always thought it would be more fun to let the husband shoot the wife with a tranqualizer gun instead of going through the dog and pony show with the anasthesiologist, but as I've been told many times today, this day is not about me.

3:20: First things first, I have lowered the terror warning to Orange, which means I have lifted certain restrictions and you are now allowed to leave comments on my blog. Next, I am pleased to announce that the nurse slapped a cathater onto Ashley, and it appears that her body has not rejected it! Great news, as it means for the rest of the day, her urine will be bagged, tagged, and donated to a worthy cause. The nurse said that she's dilated to a 4. The homeless guy sleeping in the lobby said he predicted she was more like a 6--you can choose who you want to believe. I'm watching Rachel Ray--the guest is the makeup artist from American Idol talking about how hard her job is. This makes me feel like I miss out on a lot of important programming while I'm at work each day. Rachel Ray looks soft and pink, like a white Oprah.

4:15: A word to those leaving comments anonymously--your cowardice in not taking credit for your comments sickens me. Hopefully my next challenge for you can pull you out of your shells. Let's play a little game. Ashley has had her cathater in for exactly 75 minutes. This is your chance to guess how many ml of urine are currently in the urine sack! Closest guess gets an inch of the cord after I cut it! Can't wait to see those guesses. Ashley wishes her labor would progress faster but she's in good spirits, on good drugs, and looking forward to getting things moving. Her friend Pooja is here now and more visitors are on their way, I just hope the birth is over in time to watch the Biggest Loser tonight! We're having a dilemma over the name of the baby, which we still aren't sure on. They just flashed the lights in our room, so I think they're trying to move us along so they can get another family in here. This hospital closes in like 45 minutes I think.

4:35- Breaking News: The hospital is open 24 hours here, so we won't be asked to leave. Good news for sure! Oh, and Ashley is an 8 and the Dr. thinks she will probably be ready to go and start pushing soon. Also, I just got in MAJOR trouble from Ashley for eating in front of her repeatedly. She hasn't been allowed to eat all day, and I just got caught standing in front of her, eating a granola bar and staring at her like some kind of zoo animal. She was not amused. The nurse just brought in the incubator or whatever the baby heating area is called. And I just heard my first two swear words from Ashley in rapid succession. So she's dilated to an 8, and her swearing is at a 2. She's in some pain now, and she thinks I'm writing e-mails for work, so I better go...

4:50- 2 More contractions and then we start pushing. Next time you hear from me, I'll have a daughter! Unless of course something funny happens and I step away to post about it. Until then, enjoy my playlist. We have a Dave Matthews Band DVD on here, so we're ready to go on this end.

4:53- One more thing--apparently you're not allowed to bring your own scrapbooking scissors to cut the cord with. They are pretty serious about this.

5:02- Well, that wasn't so bad! 5:02 PM, 20 and 3/4 inches and 8 pounds, 1 ounce! And she's BEAUTIFUL! Everything looks healthy and she's laying with mom. Two Step was the song she was born to. For now, her name is Brinley, but we reserve the right to change it :)

5:45- She's had her first bath, donned her first diaper, and moved her precious little baby bowels for the first time. I'm pleased to report that she has now "latched" for the first time, so we've got the baby on the boob, I've got Taco Bell on the way, and all is well here. We suddenly have a lot of friends and family here, people come out of the woodwork once the baby makes her way out of the bc (birth canal). I've just been hit with the reality that I now have 5 mouths to feed instead of 4, so I'm going to need to lay down. Soon, I will try to figure out how to post a picture so I can show you all my final masterpiece.

7:05- The local family members have come and gone with their well wishes, back to their easy, stress free lives and leaving Ashley and I with a screaming monster. To be honest though, this monster is not all that bad. She's kind of cute. She seems happy. She's listening to President Obama speak about what a messed up world she's coming into. It's a good thing she has a great home, thanks to me. It's ironic to bring a baby into the world and hear a speech like this an hour later though. Hopefully it will be over in time for the Biggest Loser. Thanks to all of you who followed the play by play today, it's been fun to share with you a childbirth from my perspective. I will post pictures as soon as I can!

More to come throughout the day....